Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of nonviolent communication states, “If you want to know my definition of hell, it's having children and thinking there is such a thing as a good parent.”
Do you think there is such a thing as a good parent? How is that working for you? Does it motivate or denigrate? Every time you act in a way that you regret, and you compare your actions to your “good parent” ideal, you create your own suffering.
The “good parent” belief is deeply rooted within many of us, including me. My culture taught me that there is good and there is bad. I want to be on the good side. After all, I’m good right? But, when I do things that are bad, does that make me bad? Oh geez, things are getting confusing. Am I fundamentally bad or good or maybe some of both? These questions are perhaps better left to the philosophers or religious scholars about the nature of reality. But, from a psychological perspective, I can offer some thoughts.
First, our beliefs and thoughts strongly impact our lives. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) focuses on the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and actions and how they mutually influence each other. Our thoughts impact our feelings and actions. Our feelings impact our thoughts and our actions. And our actions impact our thoughts and feelings.
Here is another way to think about CBT. If we think what we have always thought, we feel what we have always felt. If we feel what we have always felt, we’ll do what we’ve always done. If we do what we’ve always done, we’ll get what we have always have gotten. If we get what we’ve always gotten, we will think what we have always thought. And the cycle continues.
For example, let’s say I yell at my child. Afterwards, I think about the event and perhaps think to myself: “I can’t believe I yelled. That was so stupid. I’m such a bad parent.” The result is that I might feel hurt, disappointed, guilty, or ashamed. After feeling these things I don’t have as much compassion or patience. Then, my child spills the milk at dinner, and I yell at her again. The cycle continues.
Notice that when I judge myself as bad, not a good parent, or not good enough, it actually makes it more likely that I will do things where it is easier for me to draw those same conclusions. The more I talk to myself negatively, the more I will do things that I believe warrant my self-criticism. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. In this sense, I create my reality, especially my own suffering.
I invite you to map out your cycles. You can literally make a map that has your negative thoughts, the resulting feelings, the actions, and the outcome. The clearer you are on your own patterns, the higher the chance you have to change it.
You Can Change Your Patterns!
Your patterns are not set in stone. You can change them! One reason that mapping out your patterns is helpful is that you can more easily identify opportunities for change.
The classic CBT approach recommends that you identify negative thoughts and replace them with more compassionate thoughts. “Oh wow. Here I am thinking that I’m a bad parent again. If I was a bit more compassionate to myself, what would I say? Hmmm… Being a parent is hard. This situation is really challenging. I’m feeling super overwhelmed and exhausted. I’m doing the best I can.” Find the compassionate voice that works for you.
Notice Your Feelings
In addition to intervening on the thought level, there are many techniques you can use to address your feelings. The technique I recommend most is cognitive diffusion. In short, it is the practice of noticing your feelings, but not identifying with them. For example, “I feel angry, but I am not anger.” We have emotions, but we ARE NOT these emotions. The purpose is to not change the emotion or make it go away, but simply observe them, accept them, and allow the emotions to do their thing. We don’t want to get trapped by thinking that we are emotions because we quickly lose sight of who we are and any choice we have to move through the emotion.
Although the emotions themselves are not who we are, they point towards something valuable within us. This is why I don’t recommend dismissing the emotions, but rather witnessing them and allowing them to move through us by feeling them. You may be afraid to feel certain emotions because you have the thought that the emotion will never end. But, emotions are designed to come and go. The more we accept them and allow ourselves to feel them without resistance, the less control these emotions have over us.
Do Something Different
Perhaps the most important change we can make is to change our actions. Every time we consciously choose how we want to respond rather than unconsciously react to our environment, we build healthy habits that are more likely to get our needs met. For example, rather than yelling at my child, I can take a deep breath. Every time I take a breath instead of yelling, it gets easier to make that choice.
Putting It Together
If I am thinking, feeling, and doing things that don’t work for me, I can intervene on these levels to promote greater health. As I make changes, I forge new neural pathways in my brain, literally changing its shape and functioning. So, rather than thinking that there is such thing as a good parent, there are a variety of alternatives that may help me be more of the parent that I want to be.
Do you have any parenting questions that you would like addressed in a future article? Let me know!
Thank you for reading,
Doug Blessington, LMHCA
Sequim Counseling
