Somewhere about May 2007 one of my now grown daughters, Carly, told me she had been unfair to her 4th grade classmate and she needed to correct the error. This particular classmate had been harassing her for 2 school years, and encouraging others to gossip about her and about her attachment to a tiny stuffed horse named Gypsy. From 1st grade thru 3rd grade, Gypsy came with my daughter to school everyday, tucked into her little shirt and head poking out of her collar so she could see.
Carly felt harassed, bullied, and discouraged regularly when this girl and her group of friends would tease her for being so open about something meaningful. She decided that standing up for what mattered was more important than giving in to being bullied. It wasn’t easy.
I learned about this one morning on the way to school when she said, “Mom, I think I want to apologize to her. I want to tell her I am sorry that I was gossiping about her with my friends. I want to tell her I am sorry for doing the same thing to her that I didn’t want her doing to me.”
I recognized her for her kindness and generosity and I asked if there was anything else she would like to do about it. She suggested we stop and get a hot chocolate for each of them to enjoy as they talked and made peace. I agreed to the wisdom of this move.
As a 10 year old, Carly realized that standing up for what mattered included admitting that she had not honored her own personal values toward her classmate. She had been talking with her own friends about how mean and awful that girl was, behind her back, without her own sense of consent.
The correction then was as easy as the golden rule, at a time when the parent to child consent conversations with my young children were simple.
Now, as young adults, the content of our consent conversations is more intricate and the stakes much higher especially with the complexity of technology added, but the same basic rules apply and it is more important now than ever to avoid the costly pitfalls of ignorance about consent violations.
Talking about consent with your kids can bring up some challenging realizations. Really, as a principle we may think we understand it, but do we all practice it? Well... that could get sticky, and it usually does get sticky. That’s why we need practice.
Practicing consent, as a principle of conduct with your adolescents and teens, could make all the difference between them simply making a carefree joke about a friend or classmate, or doing serious harm to another’s sense of respect and their reputation.
According to dictionary.com the definition of consent is this: noun. acquiescence to or acceptance of something done or planned by another; permission.
Here are 4 cornerstones of creating consent you can use to make sure everyone is on the same page about creating wholehearted consent about anything in relationships, and definitely about matters of sexually sensitive behavior, a matter many parents are concerned about.
1.Who: Are all of the people involved aware of and in agreement with who is involved in the interaction?
2.What: Are all of the people involved aware of and in agreement with what is being agreed to?
3.When/Where: Are all of the people involved aware and in agreement with when and where and for how long this interaction will take place?
4.Why: Are all of the people involved aware of and in agreement with why this interaction is taking place?
Creating a new culture of consent, where asking for and being able to give consent freely has become a natural practice, is work we can all start now. Consent is not just for sex and medical records. Consent practice builds trust and confidence. Creating a culture of consent allows the preserving of dignity for all of us and a renewed respect in all of our relationship interactions.
