Dear Doug: My kid plays baseball, soccer, basketball, and football. He loves sports! However, the one thing I've noticed that he has a real poor attitude when his team isn't winning. There are times after a game when he is inconsolable about losing. My husband and I have tried talking with him about how we're just playing for fun and that in the grand scheme of things winning isn't everything. I'm wondering if I'm going about this the right way or if my approach minimizes the big emotions he's expressing. Any ideas on how I can impart good sportsmanship to my little athlete?
Dear Concerned Parent:
Thank you for your question. I personally resonate because I personally struggled with the same issues as your son, even into college! Although, I probably expressed less crying and more swearing…
There are several aspects that I believe are important to consider with this question. The first is recognizing that western cultures tend to value competition over cooperation. Consequently, your son may be exposed to all kinds of messages about the nature of competition. Perhaps some of these messages are useful like work hard, teamwork, and try your best. Or, some might not be so good, “If you win, you are good, if you lose, you are bad.”
These negative messages may not be explicitly stated, but rather more subtle. For example, when watching a sports game on television, it is fairly easy to observe the glory of victory and the heartbreak of defeat. You son may simply have learned by watching and listening.
The point of recognizing these cultural and environmental factors is to be conscious of what our children may be learning. Our children truly are sponges. They soak up much of what they are exposed to, whether we want them to or not. If we are aware of the shows they watch or the people they hang around with then we can make better choices about what environment is best for our kids. Perhaps certain shows or people are not the best influences. And, just because a tv show, game or movie says that it is for kids, doesn’t mean that you necessarily want your kids learning what is on there. If you are not aware, then you won’t be able to even make that decision.
Of course, it is impossible to raise children in a bubble. And, even the most helicopter parents can not prevent their children from influences that run contrary to their parenting style. So, what do we do then? The main thing that I recommend is to talk about it with them. Talking would be one intervention I would recommend with your son. You could ask him what winning means to him. What does it mean to lose? How does it feel when you win? How does it feel when you lose? What do you think when you win / lose? Peppering in these questions in a casual fashion with them is ideal. This is not a “we need to have a talk” kind of conversation.
An attitude of curiosity when asking these questions can go a long way. Not only does it demonstrate our interest in them, but we honor their experience, and we get information about how they are processing various things. This is an opportunity for us to understand their world better.
Another relevant topic is how we interact with our kids’ emotions. When your child is sobbing after a loss, you described him as being “inconsolable.” Without knowing more details, I may offer some general thoughts. The first is that he may not want to be consoled. Kids are all different and one child can have a range of emotional needs depending on the situation. So, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. With that caveat, I recommend that we respect our kids’ emotions and be present with them. Our goal is not to fix or change their emotions. Our goal is to be with their emotions and accept them as they are. Perhaps your little guy just needs acknowledgment for his experience as a unique person.
I also want to mention that having “good sportsmanship” may be interpreted by a 5-year-old as a demand to stifle his emotions. For example, “Don’t be a poor sport. We don’t cry when we lose.” Or, “Look at Timmy, he’s practicing good sportsmanship. He’s just happily eating his post-game Cheetos without crying at all!” This may teach kids to stuff their emotions and lose touch with what is important to them.
Another topic that may be at play here is self-worth. So often, our self-worth comes through external means, like accomplishing something, receiving a compliment, finishing a project, or performing well. And, this is certainly true in sports. Not even 2nd place gets much love these days. In sports, winning is often tied to how we value ourselves. If we win, we are good, if we lose, we are bad. Especially as children, it is hard to separate between “I lost” vs. “I’m a loser.” Or, “I played badly” vs. “I’m bad.” That is the difference between regret and shame. We learn shame early, so it is useful to talk with our kids to find out what they make certain things mean. For your son, losing a game could mean that he is a loser. Identifying and correcting these shame-based internal stories are important.
One way to approach this topic is by exploring how your son values himself. What do you like about yourself? How do you feel about yourself? What do you enjoy? What we are trying to build is intrinsic motivation as opposed to extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is when your child wants to do something because he just wants to do it. Extrinsic motivation is when your child wants to get some external reward, like winning, a grade, an ice-cream cone… I’m not saying extrinsic motivation is bad, it is actually quite important. But, building intrinsic motivation for our kids helps them know who they are, what they love, what they like and don’t like, and helps them believe in themselves.
I encourage parents to not only pay attention to what your kids are good at, but what they enjoy, especially early on. Acknowledging and embracing your kids’ interests builds intrinsic motivation.
I recently heard a report on Olympic athletes. They talked about how the most important thing they heard from their parents when they were younger was, “We love watching you play.” Our kids can greatly benefit from this kind of interest.
Please let me know if you have any parenting or relationship questions that you would like answered in an upcoming article. Send questions to doug@sequimcounseling.com. If you're interested in a counseling appointment, call 360-207-4345 for a free 20 minute consultation to see if I'm a right fit for you.
