It is inevitable that we get angry with our children. Some parents will avoid getting angry seemingly at all costs, while others get angry quite easily. My belief is that neither strategy works. Rather, we are seeking a balance in our frequency and intensity of our expression of anger. In order to explain why, I want to discuss anger and it’s purpose.
The purpose of anger is to defend what is essential. Anger mobilizes when we perceive that there is threat, and that we need to protect ourselves or something we care about. Anger is the energy behind boundary setting. Seen in this context, anger is actually essential in life.
There is an extreme range in the expression of anger. And, every situation warrants a situation-specific level of anger. We either express too little, too much, or about the right amount of anger. I will offer an example to illustrate the range of anger responses. Imagine that you are sitting at a restaurant and the waiter asks you if you want coffee. Imagine that you don’t want coffee and you say, “no thank you.” This is actually an expression of anger. You are setting a boundary. The “threat” is very small because it is simply an invitation to receive something that you don’t want. But, it is perceived as a tiny threat nonetheless. This is an appropriate anger response in this situation.
Another response when asked if you want coffee would be for you to flip the table over, cuss out the waitress, and stomp out of the restaurant. This would be too much anger. Too little anger would be to say, “Yes, please” when in reality, you didn’t want coffee at all. By saying yes, you avoid setting a boundary at all and minimize the chance of external conflict.
After reading this example, consider how you tend to respond to situations. What is your anger pattern? Are you consistently too much or too little? Do you express too little most of the time then explode with excessive anger? Are you not sure?
If you don’t know whether your response of anger is too much or too little, consider these thoughts. If you find that you avoid conflict, you may tend to express too little anger. If you seek conflict, or seem to have it often, you may over-express anger. If you tend to be self-critical, you may express anger less towards others. If you tend to criticize others, you may express more anger than is necessary. If you find that your expressions of anger result in others being afraid of you or situations usually get worse after you express your anger, then you maybe expressing too much anger. If you find yourself regretting not saying certain things in conflict situations then you may not be expressing enough anger. If you are still unsure, I recommend asking people who are closest to you. Sometimes they are able to see us better than we can see ourselves.
Depleted Anger
If you are someone who expresses less anger, then here are some tips. Begin noticing what you like and don’t like. Pay attention to your feelings, desires, preferences, and wishes. Then start to stand up for those things. For example, if you are at a restaurant, wait until you really know what you want before ordering. Don’t just order the cheapest thing (unless that’s REALLY what you want) or pick something because you think you are taking too much time. Another thing you can do is to share something that you don’t like with someone close with you. Tell your best friend that you just do not like the new season of Scandal no matter how many other people like it. You just don’t!
After you practice asserting yourself, then you can start asserting yourself in more contentious topics, like co-parenting, money, sex, politics, and other difficult subjects. And, practice saying no to things that you don’t want to do. As you practice this more with adults, then it becomes easier to execute well with your children. They may notice a shift in you and they may push back, particularly at first. But, consistency is key. The more consistent you are with your boundary setting, the less your kids will push back.
Excessive Anger
If you tend to overexpress your anger, then you need to practice self-regulation. Self-regulation is fancy way of saying calm down. Your nervous system may tend to get overactive and before you know it, you are raising your voice and you may not even be aware of it. So, you need to work on calming down your nervous system. The first way of doing that is to notice the physical sensations you have when you begin to get angry. Maybe you feel your jaw tighten, your forehead getting hot, your palms getting sweaty, or your heart pumping faster. Really pay attention to these physical sensations. Then, practice noticing these physical sensations when they arise. When you notice them, leave the situation. I repeat, leave the situation. I call this “practice the pause.”
The reason why I ask you to leave is because when you are easily angered and you get angry, your prefrontal cortex stops working during those times. This is the smartest, newest part of your brain that can take perspective and put on the brakes. We need to leave the environmental stressors that are contributing to our anger and calm down. One excellent way to calm down is to continue paying attention to our physical sensations without trying to change them. You can take deep breaths, go for a walk, or do whatever works for you. Just get calm. The more you practice, the more control you will have over how you respond to challenging situations. The anger won’t control you, you will control your anger.
The Balance
As you practice the above skills, you will begin to move more towards more appropriate responses of anger. Hopefully, you will see your anger not as bad, but as a tool.
I hope you found this article helpful. If you have a specific parenting question you would like answered, please email me at doug@sequimcounseling.com.
You can find out more about my practice at www.sequimcounseling.com.
