There's a reason why being the healthiest I can possibly be NOW is so incredibly important to me. Because for too long I was so incredibly UNHEALTHY. Who knows what kind of long-term damage has been done?
You see, for longer than I’d like to admit, I suffered from a severe eating disorder. It began by eating as little as possible, to full on purging after most meals. This back and forth went on for YEARS.
I have had people who struggle with their weight and food brush me off and tell me that I couldn't possibly understand.
Oh, on the contrary, I do. I know what it's like to think about food 24/7. I would cut my apple up into 100 pieces, so it looked like I had a lot of food on my plate. I would write down every single calorie that went into my mouth, including chewing gum, to make sure I didn't go over my allotment for the day. I never missed a day of running, ever. If I ate what I thought was too much, I would run in place to try to burn the calories off.
I then got way way way too skinny. Like dangerously. So, I was forced to gain weight or go to a hospital. This did nothing for the turmoil in my mind and my intense need for control over some part of my life. I put weights in my bra before my weigh-ins, so they thought I was gaining weight. So much manipulation is involved in addiction.
Then something snapped. I just had to eat. So, I swung the other way. I ate until I couldn't hold food in my stomach anymore and then threw it up. This was like a drug to me. Some people take pills, some people cut themselves, I ate. And ate and ate and ate. But then I got disgusted with myself and got rid of it.
The picture you see on the left is when I was fully enmeshed in my destructive pattern of eating. I honestly thought this was would be my life forever. I was certain that I wouldn't live a full life.
So how did I get out of it? Prayer is all I can say. Like rock-bottom, gut-wrenching, God please help me out of this, prayer.
So, guess what happened? I got pregnant with my son Payton. #birthcontrolbaby That's not supposed to happen right? LOL. And everything changed. It was as if God knew I couldn't love myself enough to take care of me, but I COULD if there was another involved. The fact that I was going to be a mom turned a switch and changed EVERYTHING.
I remember looking at myself in the mirror and vowing to myself that this was it. Life was going to change. It was no longer about me but about something, someone, who I instantly loved desperately.
While things didn't change overnight, they did slowly, and finally, I didn't think of the scale anymore and food became fuel for my changing body. My child.
I continue to learn and grow but live in GRATITUDE that God pulled me out of the pit I was stuck in.
I had a counselor once tell me: "Once you have an eating disorder, you will always have an eating disorder." I reject those words. Those are not life-giving words. Those are soul-crushing words.
You will NEVER hear me say 'Hi, I'm Shannon, and I'm anorexic/bulimic.' That's not who I am. It's what I struggled with but that was NEVER who I was. If any counselor, doctor, or person says to you, YOU WILL ALWAYS…., or, YOU WILL NEVER….., reject them. Speak life.
You WILL hear me say: "Hi, I'm Shannon and I struggle just like anybody else. But I am, and have always been, Shannon, beloved daughter of the King of Kings, the One who knows and the One who saves."
See the picture on the right? That is me today. I have no idea what I weigh (I will never step on a scale again). What I see is color in my face. A twinkle in my eye. I have energy to play with my kids. I have zero pain in my body. And I work to fill my mind with beautiful things.
And that is why health and wellness matter so deeply to me. Because it was a matter of life and death. I have this one body that I will spend the rest of my life repairing but I can honestly say that I'm 100% healed and the healthiest I've ever been
Note: If you have or do struggle with an eating disorder, please feel free to reach out to me. I'd love to talk to you and share more about my victory and how it can be yours too.
Contact me at: shannon.williamson1@gmail.com.
To get plugged into an amazing group of world-changers who are taking back their health, join us on Facebook at Chasing Wellness: https://www.facebook.com/groups/151284708712906/
