Parenting When Your Teen Won’t Listen
It is a common experience for parents to struggle when their children reach teenage years. The changes in hormones, socialization, peer pressure, and a myriad of other factors all contribute to challenges between teens and their parents. “My child just doesn’t listen to me anymore” is a complaint echoed by many parents during these years. I would like to explore how to address this phenomenon.
Usually, parents are concerned for their children’s safety, well-being, and success, which become more and more pronounced as children get older. Often, we attempt to address these concerns by exerting more control through manipulating, demanding, guilting, bribing, or other power-over tactics. These tactics have likely evolved over time as the child has gotten older, and often they become more extreme.
This is a power struggle: parent vs. child. The parent attempts to assert authority to protect and guide their child, while the child attempts to assert their autonomy and individuality. This struggle is unavoidable. I repeat, this struggle is unavoidable!!! This is hard for parents to understand. We believe that if only our children would do what we say that things would be better. At the same time, our children believe that if only we allowed them to do what they wanted to do, then things would be better. This tension is a part of growing up and is a natural developmental stage for teenagers.
During this stage, it is important to find a balance. How can we, as parents, create safety and well-being, while at the same time allowing our children to be autonomous and independent? Erring on either side can have a negative impact. For example, if we succeed in getting our way all the time as parents, we risk shutting down our children’s self-determination, confidence, self-awareness, and assertion. If our children succeed in always getting their way, they may not develop appropriate boundaries, consideration for others, or be able to keep themselves safe. Thus, finding a middle ground is the solution.
How do we do that? First it is important to recognize that the more ammunition we bring to a fight, the more explosive it can get. If we threaten to ground our child for a year, relegating them to their room, that is a lot of ammunition. Our child could then up the ante by running away. These are extreme examples, but the point is that the more power we add to the power struggle, the worse it gets. So, please limit your use of excessive power.
Rather than using threats or other forms of power-overtactics, I recommend focusing on building your relationship with your child. Get to know your child again. What are they interested in? How can you support them? What do you like/respect about them? What fun things can you do together? How can you increase your bond? How can you be appropriately vulnerable and authentic with them? What can you do that they really appreciate? By showing sincere effort to connect with them, you change the game from power-struggle to authentic relating. It no longer is about how I can make my child do something, but rather how I can relate with them. Building relationships with your children uses the same ingredients as it would with anyone else. Vulnerability, authenticity, caring, consideration, and respect are some of the essential ingredients. By interacting with them in this way, you not only increase your connection, but it also demonstrates to them how you want to be treated and how you want them to treat others.
In addition to strengthening your relationship, it can also be helpful to clarify your roles, both as parent and child. Talk with your kids about what your role is as parents and what their role is as children. Ask your kids what they think your roles are or what they want your role to be. Work together to find roles that fit your family. For example, your role as parents could be to provide a safe, supportive environment for your children. Your children’s role could be to grow into the kind of person they want to be. You can also become more specific by crafting agreements, where you as parents agree to certain things and your child agrees to certain things. And, you can talk about what to do if certain agreements are not upheld. Having conversations like these may bring clarity, empowerment, and cohesion during these complicated years.
With a stronger relationship and role clarity, you are much better equipped to find balance in this power-struggle. You may then be in a place to share your concerns about your child’s recent failing report card or choice in romantic partner as opposed to going straight to punishment or manipulation. You may be able to say, “I feel worried about your report card because I’m concerned about how that will impact your future. What do you think?” This conversation can be conducted with respect for your children as well as your own needs and wants as a parent. Hopefully this approach will be more productive and relationship enhancing.
If you or your teen could use additional counseling on communication issues, please feel free to call and set up an appt. with Doug Blessington at Sequim Counseling. He offers free 20 minute phone consultations at 360-207-4345.
